Whether they realize it or not, at the core of most sex addicts are 4 fundamental beliefs:
I am a bad person, unworthy of love
No one will accept me if they really knew me
I cannot count on others to meet my needs
My most important need is sex
Keaton Kleiner and I discuss these 4 beliefs and how these beliefs shape the course of a sex addict’s life in the latest episode of SA speakeasy. For more about Keaton’s work in Omaha, Nebraska, go to: http://www.citycarecounseling.org/our-counselors
Do you know the difference between a sex addict and a sex offender? Sometimes they are one and the same. Other times they are not. My guest on this episode is Charla Thorstad, a sex offender specialist, and she will help us get clarity about the very important topic of sex offense. If you’d like to listen to our conversation, please click here!
*Note: The website www.saspeakeasy.com will phase out and its contents will be subsumed under www.newlegacycounseling.com.
Some people have full blown porn and sex addictions. Without proper treatment, they will likely live a life laden with shame and destruction. But what about the other people who don’t quite qualify for an addiction? What if their behaviors are “merely problematic?”
I discuss this issue with Heather Seguin of Clear Choice Counseling, who specializes in sex addiction treatment, as well as helping the partners of sex addicts. If you’d like to listen to the conversation, click here!
Key talking points:
Do people need treatment if they “only” have problematic behavior? If so, what does that treatment look like?
The difficulty of getting out of isolation if we never learned social skills
The importance of finding a specialist in therapy is similar to finding a specialist in the medical field.
www.newlegacycounseling.com
www.clearchoicecounseling.com
[Editor’s note: Heather’s office is now in Upland, CA]
What happens when we combine sex with substance use? Many report that the sexual experience is exponentially better than “normal” sex. It makes sense that once experiencing this combination, one would keep wanting to go back to it.
Andy Park (LMFT and Certified Multiple Addiction Therapist) and I discuss the appeal and tragedy of combining sex and drugs. Some of the topics and questions we cover:
Why do substance addicts tend to also have a sex addiction?
How do drugs spoil sexual experiences in the future?
How much do substance addicts connect with their partners while high?
Mistaking intensity for intimacy
The haunting question for addicts: Why do I do what I do?
How to provide treatment for someone who is addicted to both
What sobriety feels like for someone committed to treatment
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Tony Ramynke rejoins me to discuss the cost of sex addiction treatment. More importantly, we discuss the potential cost of NOT getting treatment. We also talk about the common occurrence of multiple factors underlying a sex addiction that need to be assessed and treated.
Some of the questions we address in this episode:
Why isn’t sobriety the ultimate goal of sex addiction therapy?
Can we be depressed and/or anxious and not know it?
What’s the connection between sexually acting out and depression/anxiety?
What is the monetary value of living shame-free and lie-free? Of being able to see your kids everyday?
Chris Williams (Licensed Marriage/Family Therapist & Co-Host of New Life Live) rejoins me to discuss how sex addiction is a form of emotional deafness.
Some of the topics we cover:
Why ignoring our feelings is a mistake.
How to experience love at a deeper level.
Why many men struggle with anger management and empathy.
What happens when we squash our children’s emotions.
Porn during bad times, porn during good times.
Why it’s hard to delight in simple pleasures and blessings.
Keaton Kleiner (an LMHP in Omaha, Nebraska) and I discuss the difference between coping with life’s struggles in what he coins a “lazy versus intentional” way. We find that it’s important to know the difference because sex addicts can help themselves recover by learning intentional ways to cope with hardship.
Some of the topics we discuss:
Why alcohol and pornography are some of the lazy skills
Why even certain ways of “using God” can be lazy!
Why masturbating leads to feelings of despair
Why we end up substituting one addiction for another addiction
How do we intentionally cope with life?
One interesting intervention: Go ahead and view porn, but on one condition…
How do people even get started being intentional when they have never learned how?
The importance, and even the necessity, of group therapy
In Episode 10 of SA speakeasy, Grace Erickson and I discuss the significance of spirituality when treating sex addiction. Grace is currently one of the few, if not only, Catholic sex addiction therapists in the Seattle area. Some of the issues we talk about in this episode:
Can God love me even if I repeat sexual sins?
The high number of men who lack meaningful friendships.
The deep guilt and shame of sex addicts.
The amazing strengths of our clients.
The real hope that sex addicts have to become sexually healthy.
In Episode 9 of SA speakeasy, Bill Schuilenberg and I discuss the blueprint of sex addiction recovery. We make no bones about the length of the process and what it requires. We also revel in the true hope it offers for men and women who desperately want to overcome their sex addiction.
Some of the questions we discuss are:
Is sex addiction common?
What happens during the assessment portion of sex addiction therapy?
Why is the relationship between the therapist and the client so important?
What is one of the most difficult parts of sex addiction treatment?
How effective is group therapy?
How long does it take to overcome sex addiction?
Bill practices in Kelowna, British Columbia and his website is: https://www.wacs.ca
A colleague brought this video to my attention, and I’m so thankful! This video concisely explains what it takes to earn your loved one’s trust again. It has to do with a consistent series of what he calls “micro-trusts.” After watching this short video, if you’d like to get to work on earning your loved one’s trust again, I’d love to help. But first, please watch!
