Category Archives: Uncategorized

Surrogate Spouse, Surrogate Savior (Part 2)

The newest episode of The Same Boat is dedicated to my dad, the 80 year old fountain of youth 💪 Thank you for staying fit and relieving me of any burden of retiring you early. 

Hatty Lee rejoins me to continue our discussion about parentified children. In this episode we cover topics such as:

*The importance of intentionally creating space for ourselves to identify and express our emotions 
*The fear of losing our identity or role as a caregiver 
*Is there only one way to honor our parents? 
*Avoiding being a “burden” to others 
*Can we prevent our own kids from being parentified children? 
*What can family therapy look like with our parents? 
*Is it helpful to “retire” our parents? 

Follow Hatty on Instagram @hattyjlee, and visit her website

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Surrogate Spouse, Surrogate Savior, Part 1

“You are not equipped to give your parents the love and care they needed and did not get from their own caregivers and partner,” says Hatty J. Lee, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.

Many of us have felt tremendous pressure to listen to our parents’ marital problems, to protect them from loneliness or worthless feelings, to give them grandchildren for their legacy. Sometimes it seems like obligation, duty, or even pity.

Where do these feelings and thoughts come from? What happens when we live as a surrogate spouse, as a surrogate savior? 

Hatty and I do a deep dive into this hot topic that affects so many of us. Join the conversation!

Hatty Lee is a skilled therapist and impactful writer, practicing in Los Angeles, CA. Her practice is called Oak and Stone Therapy ( Her Instagram posts resonate strongly with thousands. If you’d like insight and tools for connection, follow Hatty: @hattyjlee

Follow Roy: @newlegacycounseling

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Sex Addiction is an Intimacy Disorder

Chris Williams and I discuss the essential yet often frightening topic of intimacy in the latest episode of SA speakeasy. Some of the questions we cover:

  • What are the pros and cons of allowing someone to know all of me?
  • Would you rather be admired, or loved?
  • What effect does social media have on intimacy?
  • What is a surefire way to increase intimacy?
  • How well does the church handle true intimacy?
  • Do pastors struggle with sex addiction?
  • What does Andy Crouch mean when he defines vulnerability as meaningful risk?

I hope you find our discussion illuminating and helpful for you or anyone you care about. Click here for the episode link and I welcome your feedback 🗣

How much does sex addiction treatment cost?

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Tony Ramynke rejoins me to discuss the cost of sex addiction treatment. More importantly, we discuss the potential cost of NOT getting treatment. We also talk about the common occurrence of multiple factors underlying a sex addiction that need to be assessed and treated.

Some of the questions we address in this episode:

  • Why isn’t sobriety the ultimate goal of sex addiction therapy?
  • Can we be depressed and/or anxious and not know it?
  • What’s the connection between sexually acting out and depression/anxiety?
  • What is the monetary value of living shame-free and lie-free? Of being able to see your kids everyday?

Find Tony at

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Sex addiction is a form of emotional deafness

Chris Williams (Licensed Marriage/Family Therapist & Co-Host of New Life Live) rejoins me to discuss how sex addiction is a form of emotional deafness. 

Some of the topics we cover:

  • Why ignoring our feelings is a mistake.
  • How to experience love at a deeper level.
  • Why many men struggle with anger management and empathy.
  • What happens when we squash our children’s emotions.
  • Porn during bad times, porn during good times.
  • Why it’s hard to delight in simple pleasures and blessings.

Contact Chris at

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Coping with life intentionally

Keaton Kleiner (an LMHP in Omaha, Nebraska) and I discuss the difference between coping with life’s struggles in what he coins a “lazy versus intentional” way. We find that it’s important to know the difference because sex addicts can help themselves recover by learning intentional ways to cope with hardship. 

Some of the topics we discuss:

  • Why alcohol and pornography are some of the lazy skills
  • Why even certain ways of “using God” can be lazy!
  • Why masturbating leads to feelings of despair
  • Why we end up substituting one addiction for another addiction
  • How do we intentionally cope with life?
  • One interesting intervention: Go ahead and view porn, but on one condition…
  • How do people even get started being intentional when they have never learned how?
  • The importance, and even the necessity, of group therapy

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God, sex addiction, and sexual health

In Episode 10 of SA speakeasy, Grace Erickson and I discuss the significance of spirituality when treating sex addiction. Grace is currently one of the few, if not only, Catholic sex addiction therapists in the Seattle area. Some of the issues we talk about in this episode: 

Can God love me even if I repeat sexual sins?

The high number of men who lack meaningful friendships.

The deep guilt and shame of sex addicts.

The amazing strengths of our clients.

The real hope that sex addicts have to become sexually healthy.

What does the road to sex addiction recovery look like?

In Episode 9 of SA speakeasy, Bill Schuilenberg and I discuss the blueprint of sex addiction recovery. We make no bones about the length of the process and what it requires. We also revel in the true hope it offers for men and women who desperately want to overcome their sex addiction.

Some of the questions we discuss are:

Is sex addiction common?

What happens during the assessment portion of sex addiction therapy?

Why is the relationship between the therapist and the client so important?

What is one of the most difficult parts of sex addiction treatment?

How effective is group therapy?

How long does it take to overcome sex addiction?

Bill practices in Kelowna, British Columbia and his website is:

How do I restore trust with the person I betrayed?

A colleague brought this video to my attention, and I’m so thankful! This video concisely explains what it takes to earn your loved one’s trust again. It has to do with a consistent series of what he calls “micro-trusts.” After watching this short video, if you’d like to get to work on earning your loved one’s trust again, I’d love to help. But first, please watch!

How ‘Micro-Trusts’ Can Help Re-establish Trust after Infidelity from Affair Recovery on Vimeo.

When and how should I tell my partner about my affair and/or sex addiction?

This is such an important question, with many significant implications. Sometimes we want to tell our loved one to relieve our conscience. Sometimes we feel forced to tell. Other times we panic and we will say whatever to protect ourselves, or even our partner. Whatever the reason, there are effective ways to tell our partner, and absolutely ineffective ways to tell our partner. It’s crucial to know the difference!

In Episode 8, I interview Matt Kreiner from Bull City Psychotherapy in Durham, North Carolina. We discuss the ever important concept of the Formal Disclosure. We cover topics and questions such as: Dangers of staggered disclosure (telling information in separate chunks over time) If I disclose everything, won’t my partner leave me? What if I lose custody of the kids? What are the benefits in telling the truth? When should I tell my significant other? What does a formal disclosure meeting look like?

It’s our hope that this episode will give you valuable things to consider, that will eventually lead to you making the wisest choice possible. You can learn more about Matt’s work at, or reach him at