All posts by Roy Kim LMFT

6 Ways to Avoid Regrets on Your Deathbed

Bronnie Ware, a palliative nurse, wrote a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. This post is an adaptation of her observations, with a bonus idea for Christians. Here are 6 ways to avoid regrets on your deathbed:

Work towards YOUR dreams, not the dreams placed on you by your parents.

When you die, will you kick yourself for doing the career you hated, or marrying the person who wasn’t your type, all because it was your parents’ wishes? 

Choose quality time over overtime.

Even if your longer work hours produced a larger home or fancier vacations, will your family thank God you were absent more often than not? 

Let people know the true you, starting with your true emotions and opinions.

We all wear masks in life, whether it’s to keep up an image or to protect from pain. On a deathbed, however, people who have lived masked lives die incredibly lonely and misunderstood. 

Deepen bonds with friends, and if you don’t have friends, make some.

How meaningful and fulfilling it will be when you look around you and see your ride or die friends. These types of friendships don’t form passively. We carve out time and energy to make lasting friendships.

Remove obstacles to joy.

Talk to a therapist to discover what these obstacles might be. If it’s years of resentment, learn steps to forgive. If it’s overwhelmingness, learn to say goodbye to lesser priorities. If it’s chemical imbalance, find a trusted psychiatrist. Life is way too short to live with a negative lens.

Be assured of your salvation.

Do you know where you’re going after you die? Seek answers with your pastor or a spiritual mentor you trust. Assurance of salvation will not only give you great peace when you die, but for each living day as well!

Sex Addiction is an Intimacy Disorder

Chris Williams and I discuss the essential yet often frightening topic of intimacy in the latest episode of SA speakeasy. Some of the questions we cover:

  • What are the pros and cons of allowing someone to know all of me?
  • Would you rather be admired, or loved?
  • What effect does social media have on intimacy?
  • What is a surefire way to increase intimacy?
  • How well does the church handle true intimacy?
  • Do pastors struggle with sex addiction?
  • What does Andy Crouch mean when he defines vulnerability as meaningful risk?

I hope you find our discussion illuminating and helpful for you or anyone you care about. Click here for the episode link and I welcome your feedback 🗣

Blessed are the Peacemakers

I published a new episode of The Same Boat! In Episode 19, I interview Cheryl Kang Prout and Vivianne Kelly of Cordial Family Lawyers, LLP, who provide an intimate glimpse into the world of divorce mediation. Some of the questions we discuss:

  • Are all family lawyers the same?
  • How does divorce affect kids?
  • How is your conscience affected as a family law attorney?
  • Is there a way to make divorce less painful or harmful?
  • How can mediators be ministers?

I was blown away by how much I learned from my guests, and I hope you will be illuminated as well. Please share this episode with anyone you know who is considering divorce. And as always, I truly appreciate your reviews on whichever platform you listen to this podcast!

Here’s the link to the episode

Most Sex Addicts Believe These 4 Things

Whether they realize it or not, at the core of most sex addicts are 4 fundamental beliefs:

  • I am a bad person, unworthy of love
  • No one will accept me if they really knew me
  • I cannot count on others to meet my needs
  • My most important need is sex

Keaton Kleiner and I discuss these 4 beliefs and how these beliefs shape the course of a sex addict’s life in the latest episode of SA speakeasy.  For more about Keaton’s work in Omaha, Nebraska, go to: http://www.citycarecounseling.org/our-counselors

You can find the podcast episode here

Getting Clarity about Sex Offenders

Do you know the difference between a sex addict and a sex offender? Sometimes they are one and the same. Other times they are not. My guest on this episode is Charla Thorstad, a sex offender specialist, and she will help us get clarity about the very important topic of sex offense. If you’d like to listen to our conversation, please click here!

*Note: The website www.saspeakeasy.com will phase out and its contents will be subsumed under www.newlegacycounseling.com.

What if I’m not an addict per se?

Some people have full blown porn and sex addictions. Without proper treatment, they will likely live a life laden with shame and destruction. But what about the other people who don’t quite qualify for an addiction? What if their behaviors are “merely problematic?”

I discuss this issue with Heather Seguin of Clear Choice Counseling, who specializes in sex addiction treatment, as well as helping the partners of sex addicts.  If you’d like to listen to the conversation, click here!

Key talking points:

  • Do people need treatment if they “only” have problematic behavior? If so, what does that treatment look like?
  • The difficulty of getting out of isolation if we never learned social skills
  • The importance of finding a specialist in therapy is similar to finding a specialist in the medical field.

www.newlegacycounseling.com

www.clearchoicecounseling.com 

[Editor’s note: Heather’s office is now in Upland, CA]

How to Get Referrals (Part 4: Psychology Today)

During the first 4 years of being in private practice, I think I had 4-5 clients who originally contacted me via Psychology Today (PT). That averages out to about 1 client per year. At a monthly membership fee of around $30, I still came out on top financially. But I did debate whether I should just cancel membership

Continue reading How to Get Referrals (Part 4: Psychology Today)